fall lineup!

"Heroes" is returning, because, apparently people still watch that show. "Trauma" is a new show about the tough times of being an EMT and isn't at all like ER, or Grey's Anatomy, or Scrubs, promise!! The Biggest Loser is coming back and is still two hours long for some reason. (Bigger people, Bigger show? That's my incredibly insensitive theory.) Wednesday night is "Parenthood", which, by the thumbnail given by NBC.com, looks like a really awful reality series followed by one of the 8,000 Law & Order series. Thursday night is "Comedy Night, Done Right*" *75% done right, with "SNL Thursday night" (wait, what? I thought that specifically for the election.) early in the year and "Community" finishing the year, probably with a six episode first season. Parks AND Recreation, The Office at 9 and 30 Rock at 9:30. Can you guess the 25% done incorrectly? Friday night is a DIFFERENT Law & Order followed by the super serious look at cops in LA, "Southland"! "It's like ER, with cops!" NBC pleas, "no thanks" I say. Saturday is "Dateline", an encore of ER- I mean "Trauma" and an encore of Law & Order. You know what you could do with 30 minutes of those encore episodes, NBC? Pick up "Nobody's Watching" like you said you were going to a few years ago!

CBS

Monday is Comedy night on CBS: "How I met your Mother", followed by "Accident on Purpose" in which "Jenna Elfman ... “accidentally” finds herself with child and all the comedy that ensues." I took that from the press release. As if you couldn't tell it would be bad by the title, CBS described it by using the phrase "all the comedy that ensues." I've never heard anyone use any variation of that phrase without being sarcastic. At 9 it's "Two and A half men", somehow, I can't believe that show is still on. Season 7, you guys, Season 7! "The Bing Bang Theory" is coming back for its third season at 9:30. I'm always surprised at how funny that show is. At 10 it's... *sunglasses* "CSI: Miami" WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! Tuesday is something, check this out NCIS is at 8, followed by the new show NCIS: LA! yep. I guess making the same show is easier than coming up with original ideas. At 10 is "The Good Wife" about a man who finds himself trapped in the 1950s, but he soon realizes the 50s are great because all his wife does is cook, clean, and pump out kids. Wednesday means more bad sitcoms!
New Adventures with old Christine" and "Gary Unmarried" at 8 and 8:30. At 9 is "Criminal Minds" and 10 is "CSI: NY". Thursday night is "Survivor" (Season 19, you guys!) "CSI:" and "The Mentalist". Friday is "Ghost Whisperer" at 8, followed by ANOTHER new episode of "Ghost Whisperer", oh, wait, actually "Medium" just switched networks. Numb 3 Rs (Read, Recite, Remember?) is at 10. Saturday is just reruns, but Sunday, oh Sunday means all new "AMAZING RACE", some show called "Three Rivers", and "Cold Case".

I can't find ABC's fall lineup. I do, however, know Kelsey Grammar has a new show and Scrubs has been picked up for its ninth season. Zach Braff will be in 6 of the first 13 episodes.

FOX probably has shows, too. But, really, who cares?

Harper's Island: The most mysterious thing on Thursdays at 10 on CBS!

I watched Harper's Island yesterday, because... why not? It's not like I had anything better to do. The show begins with an explanation of the murders at Harper's Island. "6 years ago John Wakefield killed 7 people. They were the first murders on the island, but they won't be the last." Oooh! Someone's going to die!
We are now in present time. on a yacht. There are so many people on this yacht it MUST be a fire hazard. The ads for this show claimed there were 25 suspects, but there were at least 50 people on the boat. Anyway, the bride is looking off the balcony and that fat guy with sideburns who is in something, but I can't place him. The bride yells to the guy "Did you bring the cooler?!" He's holding a cooler. He yells back, "In what universe do I not bring the cooler?!" The fat guys friends laugh and the bride says to her sister "You know what I love about those guys? They love [groom's name] as much as I love [groom's name]"
We are now in a taxi. This girl is talking to the creepy taxi driver. She tells him the groom is her best friend from childhood. Looks like a blooming love triangle! OOH! She seems really beat up about going back to the island (not to be confused with THE island from LOST). Turns out her mom was killed by John Wakefield! OH NO! The bride is trying to call her cousin, who isn't picking up, which is strange because HE ALWAYS PICKS UP! This was the first time I really realised this show will be awful. The bride was far too distraught and dramatic about her cousin not answering. Someone drops a beer bottle and it falls under the boat. The cousin that isn't answering his phone isn't answering his phone because he's tied under the boat! OH NO! The groom tells the captain to leave. The propeller starts and gets closer and closer to the cousin's head until he is chopped up by the propeller. OH NO! Uncle Marty is dancing with this girl much younger than him. Eventually, the yacht gets to Harper's Island! Where the MURDERS happened. OH NO! The murders are mentioned whenever possible. Someone mentions the island... where the murders happened. Someone talks to that girl from the taxi and they tell her they are sorry for her loss, but the murders happened 7 years ago. Once on the island taxi girl goes to the tree where John Wakefield hanged all of his victims after they were dead. She freaks out, luckily the groom is there to tell her the murders happened 7 years ago, the murders happened 7 years ago, John Wakefield is dead. John Wakefield! Do you shiver when you hear his name? I think you're supposed to. John Wakefield! The characters all do there own thing. Taxi girl goes to some bar. Someone explains to the fat guy Uncle Marty shouldn't be idolized and Fat Guy says "Uncle Marty is 50 years old and he's dancing with a really hot girl half his age! In what world does that not make him a hero?!" I think fat guys lines will all sound like this, but the locations will become progressively smaller. Eventually he'll say "In what county can I not paint sparrows and sell them as parakeets?!" (By the way, that is a real law somewhere in Michigan.)
The groom has this brother, he's kind of a social outcast, the "black sheep" if you will. His anme is J.D. His name is the only one I can remember, other than Uncle Marty, of course. JD gets in a fight at the same bar taxi girl is playing pool. OH NO! Taxi girl hits one of the fighters with her pool cue. OH NO! But someone holds her back. Once she gets back to the hotel/mansion, whatever it may be. The groom is consoling her... because... it takes a lot of effort... to hit... someone.. with... a... pool cue. He tells her she broke up a fight with a pool cue. Actually no, she neither made the fight better nor worse.
While going to the island Uncle Marty was in the bathroom with a gun and many hundred dollar bills in a briefcase. OH NO! How mysterious! I'll bet he's the killer! At the end of the show Uncle Marty was walking across a bridge and fell through. OH NO! Someone is walking around under him. He yells for help. The person under him pulls out what probably is a sword. Uncle Marty starts shooting through the bridge, because that would be effective. Uncle Marty doesn't succeed, instead he gets his legs chopped off and dies. OH NO!