Saturday, April 11, 2009

Harper's Island: The most mysterious thing on Thursdays at 10 on CBS!

I watched Harper's Island yesterday, because... why not? It's not like I had anything better to do. The show begins with an explanation of the murders at Harper's Island. "6 years ago John Wakefield killed 7 people. They were the first murders on the island, but they won't be the last." Oooh! Someone's going to die!
We are now in present time. on a yacht. There are so many people on this yacht it MUST be a fire hazard. The ads for this show claimed there were 25 suspects, but there were at least 50 people on the boat. Anyway, the bride is looking off the balcony and that fat guy with sideburns who is in something, but I can't place him. The bride yells to the guy "Did you bring the cooler?!" He's holding a cooler. He yells back, "In what universe do I not bring the cooler?!" The fat guys friends laugh and the bride says to her sister "You know what I love about those guys? They love [groom's name] as much as I love [groom's name]"
We are now in a taxi. This girl is talking to the creepy taxi driver. She tells him the groom is her best friend from childhood. Looks like a blooming love triangle! OOH! She seems really beat up about going back to the island (not to be confused with THE island from LOST). Turns out her mom was killed by John Wakefield! OH NO! The bride is trying to call her cousin, who isn't picking up, which is strange because HE ALWAYS PICKS UP! This was the first time I really realised this show will be awful. The bride was far too distraught and dramatic about her cousin not answering. Someone drops a beer bottle and it falls under the boat. The cousin that isn't answering his phone isn't answering his phone because he's tied under the boat! OH NO! The groom tells the captain to leave. The propeller starts and gets closer and closer to the cousin's head until he is chopped up by the propeller. OH NO! Uncle Marty is dancing with this girl much younger than him. Eventually, the yacht gets to Harper's Island! Where the MURDERS happened. OH NO! The murders are mentioned whenever possible. Someone mentions the island... where the murders happened. Someone talks to that girl from the taxi and they tell her they are sorry for her loss, but the murders happened 7 years ago. Once on the island taxi girl goes to the tree where John Wakefield hanged all of his victims after they were dead. She freaks out, luckily the groom is there to tell her the murders happened 7 years ago, the murders happened 7 years ago, John Wakefield is dead. John Wakefield! Do you shiver when you hear his name? I think you're supposed to. John Wakefield! The characters all do there own thing. Taxi girl goes to some bar. Someone explains to the fat guy Uncle Marty shouldn't be idolized and Fat Guy says "Uncle Marty is 50 years old and he's dancing with a really hot girl half his age! In what world does that not make him a hero?!" I think fat guys lines will all sound like this, but the locations will become progressively smaller. Eventually he'll say "In what county can I not paint sparrows and sell them as parakeets?!" (By the way, that is a real law somewhere in Michigan.)
The groom has this brother, he's kind of a social outcast, the "black sheep" if you will. His anme is J.D. His name is the only one I can remember, other than Uncle Marty, of course. JD gets in a fight at the same bar taxi girl is playing pool. OH NO! Taxi girl hits one of the fighters with her pool cue. OH NO! But someone holds her back. Once she gets back to the hotel/mansion, whatever it may be. The groom is consoling her... because... it takes a lot of effort... to hit... someone.. with... a... pool cue. He tells her she broke up a fight with a pool cue. Actually no, she neither made the fight better nor worse.
While going to the island Uncle Marty was in the bathroom with a gun and many hundred dollar bills in a briefcase. OH NO! How mysterious! I'll bet he's the killer! At the end of the show Uncle Marty was walking across a bridge and fell through. OH NO! Someone is walking around under him. He yells for help. The person under him pulls out what probably is a sword. Uncle Marty starts shooting through the bridge, because that would be effective. Uncle Marty doesn't succeed, instead he gets his legs chopped off and dies. OH NO!

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