Monday, January 10, 2011

The Human Centipede is awful

With it now being 2011, The Human Centipede came out two years ago. I guess I'm a bit behind. I was really hoping I could say "Even though this is a really terrible and disgusting, it's actually a pretty decent movie." But nope. Focusing purely on the filmmaking aspect of this movie, it is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. Usually, a good movie has a good director, good writing and dialogue, good actors, etc. The Human Centipede has none of that. Every scene is either way to bright or so dark that you can barely see anything. The movie starts with the doctor shooting a trucker in the back with a tranquilizer. But, that's almost impossible to know that because the entire time the director is shooting into the sun. On multiple occasions the doctor is doing something in his lab with no lights on and no windows open. Have you ever been stuck in a small room with absolutely no light except a small crack under the door. So you look at that crack of light, because otherwise your eyes won't be able to adjust. That's what a lot of those dark scenes are like. Just blackness with the occasional movement. Let's just pretend this movie was a normal movie, a movie that isn't disgusting, a movie that isn't about three people sewn together mouth-to-anus. Let's just pretend. This would be the most boring movie ever. The doctor kidnaps this trucker and two american tourists. The doctor has to kill the trucker because his tissue doesn't match. He kidnaps this Japanese guy. Then he explains this surgery to three of them and they all scream a lot. Then he does the surgery and they all scream a lot. Then it's just an hour of this creepy guy smiling and three people crying. Eventually the cops show up to investigate a missing persons report and the human centipede decides to attempt escape. The cops ask the doctor to search the basement. He declines so they go get a search warrant. Doctor McCreepy goes back to the basement but his experiment is gone. He goes into the next room and is stabbed! The head of the centipede incapacitates him and they run upstairs. The doctor gets up eventually and crawls up the stairs after them. They try breaking this window, but the doctor has caught up to them. He has the scalpel now. The japanese guy in front picks up a broken piece of glass. It's time to fight! Actually, no. He thinks the doctor is God and this is his punishment. Then he slits his neck and dies. The cops are back and the doctor retreats to his pool room. They come into the house. One of the detectives finds the doctor, but is shot. The other detective finds the human centipede, but freaks out and tries to find his partner, who's just been shot and killed in the pool room. The last surviving detective runs to the pool room, sees his dead parter and is shot in the gut by the doctor. As he's falling to his death, he shoots the doctor in the head and kills him. This is a terrible movie. I would rather watch the entire series of The Hills than this again. I would rather listen to Nickelback than watch this movie again. I would rather watch Across the Universe again rather than this. If you haven't seen The Human Centipede, don't. And if you have, invent a time machine so we can go back to a time when we hadn't see it.

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