Sunday, January 3, 2010

LOST Season 5 DVD Pseudo-Review -- Bonus Features That Would Put It OVER THE TOP! (I AM SO TIRED)

OK, so I am very tired. Why? Because myself, Jake, and three other avid LOST viewers finished a yearly tradition where we prepare for the upcoming season by pulling an all-nighter watching the series' previous season in its entirety. So, yeah. I haven't slept in almost 24 hours upon writing this sentence.

Anyway, I think anyone that watches LOST can agree that Season 5 was great. No complaints here. The final episodes really stepped it up, and the finale was my favorite since Season 1. But that's not what I'm here for. I'm here to demonstrate what being tired does to Jake and I. Here are several bonus feature ideas that we felt were sorely lacking from this DVD. They may seem rather impractical, but who cares?!? They are AWESOME. Enjoy...

1. Dozens of alternate endings for the show where a key character is killed off, effectively ending the show. Note -- all of these end with the show's famous logo/sound combo. Examples:

a. Upon running into "The Others'" camp like a chicken with its head cut off, screaming Richard's name, Locke is immediately gunned down by Widmore. I mean, come on. Locke was begging for it, fate or no fate.

b. Locke hit by low-flying plane in the pilot's recap of the season 4 finale. Show effectively over.

c. Bomb detonated, followed by wide shot of the earth exploding. Oops!

d. Multiple endings involving Jack, Sayid, Jin, Sawyer, Farraday, and Kate being gunned down Bear Juden-style (If you don't get this reference, see Inglourious Basterds) by various members of the Dharma initiative during their many firefights.

e. Imposter-Locke and Ben are gunned down by Cesar, who realistically isn't stupid enough to prevent his boomstick from being pilfered.

f. Entire cast massacred by 1950's Others; Juliet's hand lopped of to emphasize how "serious" Widmore and company are.

g. Desmond successfully convinces Jack to bow out of returning to the island. Ends with rest of group awkwardly standing around, looking defeated.

And so on...

2. Dramatic Improvements To The Jacob Flashbacks

OK, so Jacob appears in a multitude of flashbacks tying him to a fair number of the characters' pasts. By all means, these were very well done and really made the episode interesting. BUT HERE'S HOW WE MAKE THEM BETTER: included in the DVD's bonus features are an extra set of these flashbacks that have been altered in one very specific way. Jacob's only interaction with the characters in these flashbacks involves laying out each character with a Ray Lewis-style, MASSIVE, blind-side tackle! Same set-up, but each entrance begins and ends with a bang -- Jacob arm-tackling the crap out of the various past versions of LOST's mainstay characters. Can you say GENIUS?!?

3. Dramatic General Improvement To The Season 5 Finale

Hey, remember that awesome idea for Jacob's flashbacks? WELL HOW 'BOUT WE EXPAND IT TO EVERY SCENE INVOLVING JACOB, AND THEN SOME?!?!?!??!?! Jacob constantly interrupts the season finale with a wide array of GIANT hits, altering the course of the series in ways YOU COULDN'T EVEN IMAGINE!!!! Horrific you say? HORRIFIC LIKE A FOX!!!!!!!!111alksjdfoiejalowe (At this point, I passed out for a brief moment and fell on the keyboard)

4. The Greatest "F*** YOU!" Fake Ending EVER

I could not be more proud of this one. Jake came up with the original concept, which was then expanded upon to great effect. OK, here's the basic idea:

The show's denouement begins just as Season 5 is hitting its climax. Faux-Locke and Ben have yet to confront Jacob and are still outside with Richard and The Others. We then cut to the second storyline group (Jack/Sawyer/Kate/Juliet/etc.) before they spring into action. A bright light flashes, and the second group suddenly finds themselves standing next to Alpert, Locke-ppelganger and Ben, but the filler Others have disappeared! It seems that every living character of any importance has been gathered here! Suddenly, we see Vincent running toward the group, skidding to a halt in front of them.

Then, the unthinkable happens: Every character transforms into a dog! Jack becomes a Jack-Russel terrier. Hurley becomes a Shitzu (fans love that kind of self-referential stuff), and so on. Vincent is then seen standing in front of the newly formed crowd of dogs, where he proceeds to TRANSFORMS INTO JACOB! Jacob surveys the dogs with an incredibly smug, self-satisfied look and delivers the show's final line: "Who's master now?" (*Cut to LOST logo/sound combo, followed by a ten minute video of Damon Lindelof, Carlton Cuse, and JJ Abrams laughing maniacally*)

I mean... WOW! I know I would be blown away.

What? Stop staring at me like that...

So yeah. That's it! I need to sleep really badly now, but I think everyone can agree these ideas are GOLD! Gold, I tell you! Someday, fate will bring JJ Abrams to this post, and he will CURSE the fact that his beloved time-travel doesn't actually exist -- so that he could go back in time and add these to the DVD! Then, he will give Jake and I all of his money, as well as his vast collection of gold-plated luxury items, expressing to us his his unworthiness to even gaze upon our infinitely more creative figures.

OK, now I sleep.

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