Friday, August 7, 2009

Oops! Looks like Zooey Deschanel made another terrible movie.

Zooey Deschanel starred in a movie called Gigantic recently. It was on Netflix and I could stream it for free. The biggest mistake I've ever made when it comes to watching movies. At least most movies a laughably bad. Not this one. This is my live blog from facebook:

You should probably start from the bottom and work your way up, because of, ya know, spoilers and such.


Jake Scheidel It's finally over! Sorry I clogged all y'alls news feeds. Apparently you care so much.

3 minutes ago · ·
Jake Scheidel

Jake Scheidel WAIT! What the hell?!?! Zach Galifinakis just attacked Paul Dano who killed Zach Galifinakis who was never actually there! Paul Dano said "This has been going on for a while." WHAAA??!?!?!

18 minutes ago · ·
Jake Scheidel

Jake Scheidel I've gone completely numb, emotion-wise, during this movie.

35 minutes ago · ·
Jake Scheidel

Jake Scheidel Zooey Deschanel: Can we go have sex over there? Paul Dano: Do you want me to ask the security gaurd? That counts as clever in this movie!

Jake Scheidel

Jake Scheidel You know this movie is bad when the stereo-typical cooky best friend is the best part.

Jake Scheidel

Jake Scheidel John Goodman is a Goodsport.

Jake Scheidel

Jake Scheidel OH Subplot (because the original plot is so coherent and interesting): Zach Galifinakis is trying to kill Paul Dano!

about an hour ago · ·
Jake Scheidel

Jake Scheidel I'm pretty sure it's impossible for old people not to be great. Exhibit A: Ed Asner

about an hour ago · ·
Jake Scheidel

Jake Scheidel Oh my god. The only redeeming quality of this movie (other than Zooey Deschanel's legs) is stuck behind a tree.

about an hour ago · ·
Jake Scheidel

Jake Scheidel I think i'm going to quit within the next 5 - 10 minutes.

about an hour ago · ·
Jake ScheidelJake Scheidel

Jake Scheidel Zooey Deschanel: Do you have any interest in having sex with me? Paul Dano and every guy ever: yeah.

about an hour ago · ·

Jake Scheidel Also, the guy playing the doctor is a terrible actor.

about an hour ago · ·
Jake Scheidel

Jake Scheidel "Bullshit. all that shit is fucking... fucking bullshit. OK?" UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUggghhhh! This script curses so superfluously! That's an actual quote from the movie!

about an hour ago · ·
Jake Scheidel

Jake Scheidel FACT: Zooey Deschanel changes very quickly. It's a fact!

about an hour ago · ·
Jake Scheidel

Jake Scheidel This movie gets points for the scene in which Zoeoey Deschanel is basically pants-less... Because she has nice legs... not because her vag is being flaunted... because it's not.

about an hour ago · ·
Jake Scheidel

Jake Scheidel OK, I just laughed for real. at 21 minutes, if you ever subject yourself to watching this.

about an hour ago · ·
Jake Scheidel

Jake Scheidel Aw.. cute piano music. That makes this sooo much better!

about an hour ago · ·
Jake Scheidel

Jake Scheidel The sexual tension between Paul Dano and Zooey Deschanel is unbearably non-existent!

about an hour ago · ·
Jake Scheidel

Jake Scheidel I admit, I laughed. But only out of pity. The joke was so obvious.

about an hour ago · ·
Jake Scheidel

Jake Scheidel I'd never thought I'd yell at Zooey Deschanel to "SHUT UP!"

Jake Scheidel

Jake Scheidel Zooey Deschanel's character is annoying. Paul Dano better not fall in love with her! oh wait.

about an hour ago · ·
Jake Scheidel

Jake Scheidel I jumped the gun, I'm now 11 minutes in. Zooey Deschanel has appeared. Still no laughs. This comedy isn't very funny.

about an hour ago · ·
Jake Scheidel

Jake Scheidel is ten minutes into Gigantic, still no laughs, still no Zooey Deschanel. The movie is a one and a half hour romantic comedy. They'd better hurry this plot up!



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No longer live, now taped blog.


So, the plot is this: Paul Dano works in a mattress store. John Goodman comes in looking for a mattress. Paul Dano sells him one. Zooey Deschanel is John Goodman's daughter, who falls for Paul Dano. But also Paul Dano is adopting a kid from China. Oh, and also Zach Galifinakis is trying to kill Paul Dano.

My last post before the final apology post was during a scene in which Zach Galifinakis attacks Paul Dano for the last time. The fight in an alley and Paul Dano eventually pulls a knife on Zach Galifinakis and stabs him to death. Then, two guys walk past and Paul Dano gets up, dripping blood and says, "You don't understand. This has been happening for a while!" The camera cuts from the two guys looking at Paul Dano to Paul Dano standing over a, presumably, dead Zach Galifinakis. But Zach Galifinakis isn't there. I thought that meant Paul Dano was imagining things and it would be revealed this was actually some crazy "Eternal Sunshine" type movie. nope. That was never explained. After the movie finished I watched the fight scene between Paul Dano and Zach Galifinakis again, to see if I just missed him running away after being stabbed to death, nope. Either I, and everyone else who saw that movie, missed some crucial plot point that wasn't introduced until the next to last scene of the movie, or the directing was terrible. or both. probably both.

Another problem I had with the movie was the title. I have no idea why it was called "Gigantic." It makes no sense. Is it because the baby was tiny and the writer thought that would be clever? Is it named after John Goodman's girth? maybe. Is it called Gigantic because Zooey Deschanel is ridiculously pretty? I don't think "giant" is a term of measurement when it comes to beauty. "Was she attractive?" "Yeah, she was gigantic!" In fact that sounds like an insult. What up with the title?

On a scale of 1 - 10, I'd rate this movie: BAD!

Alternate ending to this blog post:

On a scale of 1 - 10, I'd rate this movie: NOT FUN!

1 comment:

Frank said...

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