Saturday, January 31, 2009

The Wizard of Oz.... NOT! Gotchya!!! HAHAHAHA!!!

I really like The Wizard of Oz. It's one of my favorite movies of all time, and I hate musicals. So, The Wizard of Oz is an exceptional movie. I also really like Zooey Deschanel. When I heard she would be playing Dorothy in the Sci Fi original miniseries "Tin Man" I was overjoyed. "Wow, this is going to be great! I can't wait!"

I was quite wrong.

The opening credits say "based on 'The wonderful Wizard of Oz' by L. Frank Baum." (I will come back to this.)

We see Zooey sleeping in her bed, then, a flash of fire, her face again, fire, Another woman "A storm is coming," she says, Zooey's face again. Throughout this whole sequence I'm thinking "She has a really nice face, that Zooey Deschanel." She wakes up.

At a diner the cook is troubled because it's really backed up in the kitchen. "Where's DG?" He asks the only waitress. At this point, I gave the Sci Fi channel a warning.

"DG" finally arrives at the diner. Everyone is calling her DG, as if, since the movie is reinvented, she goes by "DG," but her real name is Dorothy Gale. Nope, her name is DG. HER NAME IS DG! That is wrong! I hate this movie already! But wait, there's more!

Zooey puts on her diner uniform and it's Dorothy's costume from the original. She then went on to bask in the sunlight for much too long, like they were trying to bring attention to the fact they'd recreated Dorothy's costume. I hate this movie even more than when they called her DG! I assume they were trying to be clever.

We see a woman with straight, jet-black hair. She looks like a villain! She says something about a light and how it must be extinguished. She finds where the light is coming from through a very hairy man named Lilo (LIE-lo, like a Lion) Apparently this NOT LION is psychic, and if you stick a cord to his head and attach it to a tub of green water, you can see what he's thinking. Villain lady sends four "long coats" to extinguish said light. The storm has come! A tornado! and lightning! The four "long coats" arrive via lightning bolts, yes, lightning bolts, like Power Rangers villains. This was the first time I laughed, and ultimately, gave up up hope on this movie. These "long coats" break into the Gale's house and eventually force them to the roof, "DG's" parents say things like, "This wasn't the way it was supposed to happen!" and "JUMP DG JUMP!" and Zooey Deschanel says "I don't know what's going on!" (I imagine this scene was being shot and that line was "improv" and the director thought it was really good, but in reality, she was talking about the movie.) The "long coats" come back to the villain lady and say "the light" was a girl of 20 annuals, because saying "years" would be to normal!

DG wakes up in a forest and small people are behind her watching her, they come from the trees, with ropes. They also had wings, so I'm not sure if they were flying and Sci Fi channel can't afford rope removal editing equipment, or if they had ropes because they were living in trees. Either way, it was terrible. These small people (munchkins?) trap the lovely Zooey Deschanel in a cage high above the ground. In this cage she meets "Glitch," the recreation of the scarecrow. He has a zipper on his head and explains "the government(?)" removed half of his brain. At this point I asked myself "Is this supposed to be more realistic, or less?" I decided they'd tried to make it more, in which case, "Glitch" should be dead. The "long coats" infiltrate the NOT munchkins camp, Zooey Deschanel and Alan Cumming escape. They come across MORE "LONG COATS" beating up a family! Zooey tries to stop them, turns out it was just an invention that was introduced through initials, because everything in the future is initialed! Basically this invention captures a moment and replays it over and over again. The two characters thus far find a metal (tin? I don't know!!! Actually, it's quite obvious they are about to introduce the title character.) scuba suit. They open it and a man painted grey falls out and is ready to kill those "long coats." It is revealed the NOT Tin Man had been stuck in that scuba suit for a long time, and he didn't need food in those years, because that would be a burden to write into the script. The NOT Tin Man cleans up and looks presentable.

The three are walking through a forest where terrible creatures called "runners (maybe)" live. These creatures surround their prey in a gross, carnivorous fluid and come back later to eat the prey. They find someone stuck in this fluid and help him out. He's a man who has long hair, a long beard and wears gloves with claws. This, my friends, is the terrible recreation of the cowardly lion. He thanks them and he travels with them. After a while they rest. Oh, by the way, The NOT Tin Man was bit by one of those creatures. So, after a while they rest. The NOT tin man is hurting, luckily the NOT A lion is able to heal people, and is also psychic, because... yeah... in the future, NOT lions have super powers, why not? This NOT lion holds the tin man's hand and says, "Strong Man, Brave Man, Tin Man," (He says this like a Cro-Magnun man, and other lines like a normal person.) The NOT Scarecrow looks up, intrigued, "You were Tin Man?" "What's a tin man?" asks the oblivious (to what movie she's actually in) Zooey Deschanel. The NOT scarecrow explains a Tin Man is a cop from the central city. Apparently these NOT lions can decipher your occupation by holding your hand.

There was what resembled a plot, but I may have to watch the rest of the miniseries to know what it is, which I'm not looking forward to, since a side effect of watching sci fi original movies is "thoughts of suicide."

I'd rather sit through "Wicked" than watch this again.

"Tin Man" is not based on L. Frank Baum's book, it was just a Sci Fi original movie, with the same characters as the book... sort of.

How "TIN MAN" fits in "the scale"

High School Musical
Jet's "Are you gonna be my Girl"
Cell phones
Under The Influence of Giants
Season 2 of LOST
The Sims
Aviator sunglasses
Tokyo Police Club
Samuel L. Jackson
Teddy Roosevelt/Bruce Campbell


Kevin R. said...

I'm really sorry.

Jess said...

Why do you hate on cell phones?

Jake said...

We don't, we just don't find them fascinating.