Across the Universe

Nothing like a good 'ol movie gimmick, eh? What was the rationale for this ass-trocious corporate money grab? Seriously, I know musicals always have shitty plots, but this one has the worst plot I've ever seen. Nothing happens at all. Jude (Get it? GET IT?!? They're SO clever) moves to the United States to find his Dad, who happens to be a Janitor at a college. They meet and talk, then NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS. The reason he came to the US is dropped after a 2 minute long scene. The rest of the movie tries to give a picture of the 60's by subsequently breaking out every retarded cliche about the decade. They then misconstrue every Beatles' song to create a "plot," haphazardly throwing in characters named after songs just so they can include those songs (like Prudence, who does NOTHING throughout the whole movie). They have a Jimi Hendrix characature and a Janis Joplin one, who have a subplot of no importance about them fighting. Naturally, it goes nowhere. Maybe I could've stood the movie's plot and retarded LSD imagery if it hadn't had new voice talent redo the songs. Ugh... it's like listening to American Idol do a Beatles week. Plus, they totally misused Eddie Izzard, which is a colossal waste. Bono was OK, and he was the only part of this movie that I could tolerate. I'm not even going to talk about Evan Rachel Wood's character, because she has no point. Just like this movie. If I was giving this a letter grade, I'd give it a Z-, because an F- doesn't even scratch the surface of how terrible this movie is. For every Girl Talk that earns a Seinfeld+, there has to be something Jake and I hate. Well, we hate this.

Verdict: High School Musical - - - - - (can we just give the lowest one to Across the Universe, Jake? I'd watch High School Musical 100 times before I'd watch Across the Universe again)