JERSEY SHORE IS BACK AND MY LIFE HAS MEANING AGAIN!

WOO!!! I love The Jersey Shore. The show is the greatest thing. So, why don't you just jump off your high horses and enjoy the show with the rest of us peasants? So, last night's premiere: What Happened?!

Oh, only everything great ever. As you know, this season is taking place in Miami. It's snowmageddon in New York and New Jersey, which is where they're all from. So, Pauly D and The Situation (Also known as "the Dream Team" Their words, not mine.) decide to go down to South Beach together ("WhY dOn'T tHeY cAlL iT sOuTh BeAcH tHeN?!" Shut up.). They road trip in a black escalade. Snooki and J-Woww decide to ALSO go down to south beach together. The ALSO drive down in a black escalade! HEY MTV What's with all the black escalades? Pauly D and The Situation, or "Sitch" as his buds call him, want to get to the house first so they can get the first choice of beds, but little did they know that a certain someone from their past would show up and also end up rooming with them! On their way down to Miami the Dream Team buys some fireworks cause it's legal in Indiana, oops, I mean South Carolina. That night they pull off into a field to shoot off fireworks. BUT THEN THEY GET STUCK IN THE MUD AND IT IS HILARIOUS! The car is so far in the mud that the step to get into the car is level with the surface of the mud. JERSEY SHORE! Pauly D mentions that he's a AAA member and they get a AAA truck to come pull them out. While they wait they shoot off fireworks. PRODUCTIVITY! When the AAA truck gets there, it also gets stuck in the mud. IRONY! So they get ANOTHER AAA truck and that one pulls them all out. YEAH! JERSEY SHORE! More like Jersey Snore? No, nobody likes puns. J-Woww and Snooki stop at some restaurant for lunch. At the restaurant Snooki finds FRIED PICKLES. If you're new to the show, Snooki is obsessed with pickles. So, fried pickles? Yes. This guy comes up to them and offers them some shots. Obviously, they accept. FREE SHOTS! JERSEY SHORE! The guy is the worst at hitting on them. So, they leave. Vinny drives to Miami alone. It's boring. Ronnie does as well. It is just as boring. Sammi Swethawrt goes by herself too. It's pretty boring as well. She's worried because she still has feelings for Ronnie. Aw, man! This is gonna be hella awkward! The Dream Team arrives at their sweet Miami pad. THEY ARE THE FIRST ONES THERE! YEAH! JERSEY SHORE! They walk through the front door to find a backyard/patio type thing. It has a hot tub, and other stuff too, but most importantly, a hot tub. The floor is blue. I think it may be a converted basketball court, converted specifically for The Jersey Sore folks (not a typo). JERSEY SHORE! The dream team looks around the place, which The Situation describes as "nice." There are three bedrooms. One of them is pink and about big enough to hold three beds. It has three twin size beds in it. Another bedroom is a little bigger, brownish-green color and has three twin size beds. The last room has two pretty nice beds, nice decoration and is pretty big. If I were the dream team, I would pick that room. They don't. They pick the room three beds that is slightly bigger than the other room with three beds. The next person to arrive is... ANGELINA! WHAT?!?! This is going to be crazy! JERSEY SHORE! She hugs Situation and Pauly D and is so excited to see them. She asks if she can sleep in their room and the reluctantly agree. JERSEY SHORE! Then the rest of them show up and are like "ANGELINA!?!?!" and get really upset. Well, really only the girls get upset. The guys could care less. Once they get all packed they go out, of course. Ronnie's single now. He gets really drunk and makes out with just about every girl in the club. It's pretty hilarious. Other than that nothing really happens. But, JERSEY SHORE! It's Back! WOOOOOOOOOO!