Gravity: Look at how quirky and funny Gravity is!

Starz, the network who brought you the amazing show "Party Down," has a new show. It's called Gravity. It's so funny and quirky and clever! Actually, no it's not. It's none of those things, but it tries REALLY HARD to be. Won't you just like it?! The show cis about a suicide support group for people who failed at suicide. GET IT?! They suck so much at life they can't even kill themselves right! CMTM! Are you chuckling mildly to yourself, because you should be! The main character is an artsy, cynical, atheistic girl with bangs! She's so cute and funny in how sarcastic she is! (That last was far more sincerely sarcastic than the entire first episode of the show.) The first episode starts with a man driving off a cliff onto a gay cruise! HA. HA. HA! Just before his car crashes onto the cruise ship, a bird poops on a gay guys face and his boyfriend tells him it's a great antioxidant. He saw it on TV! Then the guy asks his boyfriend to rub it in but he says no! Isn't that funny? Isn't it so ironic and funny?! So the guy in the car fails at killing himself too! LOL! The girl with the dark bangs and the cynicism (who doesn't love hot cynical girls, amiright?!), Lily, kills herself with because what? She is at the grocery store and is buying cake fixins and cat food when she accidently runs into an old lady buying THE SAME THING! HOW FUNNY! (Actually, that part was kind of funny. or maybe I just think old people are cute.) So Lily gets really sad and leaves. I'm not exactly sure if she decided to try to kill herself because of the incident at the store or she had already wanted to do it. Anyway, she makes the cake and then her mouth and the cake have hardcore sex (they show it all because it's starz) Lily starts moaning, but the moaning. She's enjoying the cake WAY too much. I mean, I like cake, but I've never moaned more than, like, one or eight times when eating cake. She likes that cake so much more than James Franco likes that pie in Spiderman 3. Then the moaning turns into crying and she dies (question mark?) While she's dead she has sex with this guy in heaven, or something. But it isn't sex, they "made love." That's what she said, like, a thousand times. She wakes up in the hospital and this detective is like "Do you know what you did? Do you know what you took?" She doesn't respond, so he gives up. GREAT DETECTIVE WORK, DETECTIVE! So Lily goes to this suicide rehab group. Everyone at the club is like "isn't being alive LAME?" And everyone responds "yeah!" One guy tells the story of how he was going to kill himself by rigging his parachute so it wouldn't open when he went skydiving but it did by accident at the last second. That part was pretty funny. Lily is sitting in the back of the room and says something cynical (SHE'S SO FUNNY!). Then the leader of the group pairs her up with this guy who doesn't have a partner because he's new to group as well. So after the meeting he's walking down the sidewalk and she throws her purse at him to get his attention. I feel like a simple "hey!" would have sufficed. He says "Did you just throw your purse at me?" Yeah, she did, shut up. There's some real sexual tension that will probably be built up through many seasons of this show until they finally give in and confess their feelings to each other. Then the two of them have sex up against the fence for about five seconds. So, I guess there's no more sexual tension, which is really the only thing this show had going for it. oh, and the main character's looks. They've still got that. So the guy goes to his priest to confess his sins. His priest asks him to wait to confess because he's playing on his iPhone. HOW FUNNY IS THAT?! God dammit! Why aren't you laughing?! Don't worry. He gets EVEN FUNNIER! So the fence sex/gay cruise suicide guy says he had committed adultery and the priest is like "how? Your wife is dead." and the guy says "Well, I'll always be married in the eyes of god." and the priest says "bah! yeah, right! Plus, your wife has been dead for two years. That's totally enough time to mourn. So what did you do?" and the guy tells him that he had five-second fence sex. and the priest is a total creep and says something like "kinky. that sounds fun!" So the guy says "But she's an atheist!" and the priest says "ooh. I love atheists!" What kind of priest is this?! Not a good one, that's what kind. The detective from the hospital comes to Lily's apartment because she had left a picture she drew at the hospital. You know how artists leave their home address on every sketch they draw at a hospital. In her apartment she has all these sketches of the same guy. The guy is her "boyfriend she made love to in heaven." The detective found the guy with his fancy policeman technology. HE'S A CRIMINAL! HE STEALS PURSES FROM OLD LADIES AND OTHER STUFF TOO! The detective says she's probably drawing him because she say him when she was falling in and out of consciousness at the hospital because he was also there. What a logical conclusion! But that isn't good enough for Lily. She has to go find him! Then she finds him way too easily. She finds him in a coffee shop and starts talking about how she "made love to him when she died." The guy freaks out and leaves. Then she gets up and starts yelling at him about how she felt more alive when she died than ever before and isn't everyone living for that? um... i guess. Then she meets up with fence sex guy again and they stand on a roof together and hold hands because, symbolism? Anyway, the show is terrible. It really wants to be pushing daisies, but it isn't. Don't bother watching it.