Friday, December 18, 2009

Avatar: I refuse to see this movie!

Hey, all! It's me, that guy who never writes anymore (and prefaces all posts with the fact that he never writes anymore!)! So, when the first trailers for Avatar came out I was skeptical. It's James Cameron's first movie since Titanic, which for some people is a big deal. Titanic was a popular movie! Here's the thing, though: TITANIC SUCKED SO HARD. It was sappy, gimmicky, laughably acted, and dragged on FOREVER. Why, James Cameron? Why did you make that movie?!?

The thing is, Cameron's been overrated from the beginning. Terminator 2? Pretty good, but doesn't hold up all that well now. Aliens? OK, I admit that movie is pretty fucking cool, but he turned one of the greatest psychological horror movies ever (Alien, which is a million times better than the sequel) into a conventional action movie. But, hey, what do you expect when you try to follow up the likes of Ridley Scott and John Carpenter: guys who are much, much better directors than you could ever hope to be. It's not fair, is it?

Anyway, the shit sandwich of a movie that is Titanic has me incredibly leery of this movie. However, there are other factors. For one, the trailers looked FUCKING TERRIBLE:

Oh, look! A video game cut scene! Let's make a laundry list of the problems with this trailer:


2. Uncanny valley, much? I mean, sure, it looks groundbreaking. I'm willing to admit it's a definite step forward. The problem, however, is that you're structuring your movie entirely around CGI, and this doesn't look realistic enough for me to believe these things are real. They don't. I mean, one thing that was great about District 9 was that the Prawns looked REAL. They were very detailed, and were confined to a reasonable living space. These blue... cat things... just look fake. The environments are lush, though.

3. Dialogue is stupid. Typical action movie one-liner crap. Wasn't this the bullshit Cameron was making fun of in True Lies?

4. From what I've gathered from the trailer and several reviews, the plot is simplistic while trying to be a meaningful allegory. I get that it can't be too intellectual because it cost $300 million+ to make and needs to make that back. But it seems like they could've tried harder. You know what the substance they're looking for on that planet is called? UNOBTANIUM. Gee, thanks for clubbing me over the head with that one, fellas. Oh, and the planet's name? PANDORA. Jesus fucking Christ...

5. One more plot issue: The plot is basically the same as District 9's, but dumbed down, and handled entirely improperly. They pull out the same retreaded, "noble savage," bullshit that reinforces malicious stereotypes. District 9 didn't do that at all, which was commendable. The Prawns were just like people, and had a broad range of characteristics. They were largely defined by their living conditions, as well -- which was instrumental to the film. This is just bullshit.

6. Unrelated to the trailer: When reading reviews for this movie, DO NOT LOOK AT AGGREGATE SCORES. Read what is being said about them. This is key, because CGI-gasms like this will often get good reviews based solely on how good the effects are. This is absolutely the case with Avatar. Case in point? SKY FUCKING CAPTAIN AND THE FUCKING WORLD OF TOMORROW. That movie had more plot holes than pretty much anything else I've ever seen. It was terrible, and the animation -- while groundbreaking at the time -- looks incredibly dated now. You know what that got on the Tomatometer? A FUCKING 72%. NO! WRONG, RETARDED CRITICS! The majority of reviews I've read have mentioned the story being the weak point of the movie, often with it being pointed out as a stumbling point in POSITIVE REVIEWS. Look, if I wanted to look at good graphics and maybe overlook weak stories, I WOULD PLAY VIDEO GAMES. At least there's a degree of interactivity there! When I watch a movie, I want a plot that doesn't suck (unless I'm watching a movie solely to riff on it. Then it's a whole different story). Unlike most of America, I have no desire to just stare at deep colors and expansive landscapes for 2 and a half hours. You know what had great cinematography? Across the Universe. You know how I feel about that piece of shit.

So, yeah... I might consider seeing it when it comes out on video, but I have literally no desire to shell out cash for this giant money pit of a movie, made by a director I have literally lost all respect for*. Not to mention, it's basically a dumber version of a movie I liked a lot, and would rather just watch again (District 9, obviously). FUCK YOUR MOVIE JAMES CAMERON.

In the immortal words of Tim Nordwind: "THAT IS ALL FOR NOOOOOOOOOOW!"

*Edit* Oops, I'm dumb. Cameron did, in fact, direct the original Terminator. OOOOPS.

* Titanic! NEVER FORGET!


Jake said...

umm.. no. James Cameron definitely directed The Terminator.

Jake said...

Oh, Also, James Cameron is the sky captain! and Avatar is the world of tomorrow!