Page 4: It's at this point that I notice something odd about Meyer's diction. You know what it is? NO ONE FUCKING TALKS LIKE THAT. The narration sounds like she pulled out a thesaurus to try to make herself sound clever. The thing is, it makes her protagonist sound completely unnatural and it really doesn't help me empathize with her "plight." Here's the thing. Why wouldn't you want to move from Arizona to the Pacific Northwest? Arizona is a boring State with water shortages and a constant dry heat. The Pacific Northwest is beautiful and has awesome forests and a really cool climate (yes, there's lots of rain, but everything's so green!).
Page 6: Bella is not pleased with the fact that her Dad bought her a truck from the 50's. Are you kidding? I'd be ecstatic! Those trucks are so cool! New trucks look boring. There's no pizazz! The old ones were the right ones. After six pages in I checked to see how long the Chapter is. 28?!? Crap... Well, I must press on.
Page 8: Bella embraces the truck (finally, some sense!), but still manages to fill the empty space with bitching and moaning. I have a feeling this will be a trend. Also, what's with the impersonal references to her Dad? All he does is go out of his way to help her feel at home and she refers to him as "the Chief." I just LOVE Bella.
Page 10: "I had always been slender, but soft somehow." Really? *groans* Also, Meyer adds in so many unnecessary adjectives! You don't have to describe everything with thesaurus lingo, grrl! We only need so many details.
Page 11: [Describing "Charlie's" kitchen] Nothing was changed. Grammar police! It should be "nothing had changed." Sorry, that really bugged me. Also, Bella NEEDS to tell Charlie to move her school pictures! It's SO embarrassing! WHY ON EARTH would he have those in his house? I mean, he's only her FUCKING DAD! Jesus, stop whining!
Page 14: Bella laments on having to look at pedestrian cars. Where are the Mercedes and Porsche vehicles of her old home? All these fucking peons could come up with was a lousy Volvo, which was the only one that "stood out." God, I hate middle-class people! Also: "[on her first day] no one was going to bite me." LOLZ! Stephanie Meyer foreshadows SOOO well!
Page 15: Bella is SO cultured. She's already read Chaucer. How PEDESTRIAN. Also, she's SO embarrassed because everyone keeps LOOKING at her. What is their problem? *ANGST!*
Page 16: Eric is introduced. Bella is put off by his acne and tells a HILARIOUS joke to explain her pale skin. "My mother is part albino." *facepalm* And GAWD, her geometry teacher made her stand up in front of the class and INTRODUCE HERSELF. HOW UNFAIR! HATE HATE HATE!
Page 17: How to approach someone going out of their way to help you adjust to a new school: ignore everything they have to say and concentrate so much on superficial qualities that you can't even remember their name. Also, forget all of her friends' names to thank them for letting you sit at their table. Or, at least, that's what Bella would have you do.
Page 18-19: BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE! *drools*
Page 21: Nameless chick is just JEALOUS of the beautiful Cullens! She's not even pretty enough to warrant a name! It's SO hard being beautiful, as Bella well knows. *edit* Oops, just noticed that the page before that it says nameless girl's name is Jessica. Still, Bella mentions how COMMON that name is. Not like the cool Cullens with their old-timey names.
Page 23: Bella trips (I've been told this happens a lot). Also, Edward has black eyes? Apparently he has fetal alcohol syndrome. Bella smells SO bad. That, or Edward had a bad experience with Strawberries as a child.
Page 25: EDWARD H8'S HER SO MUCH! I'm going to guess that Stephanie Meyer tricked all readers about the actual book and really wrote it about how Edward is a sadistic Vampire serial killer who hunts Bella throughout the book, then included a note at the end to ask all who read it to perpetuate the myth that it's a romance novel. That, or she's doing the whole "fake hatred," cliche. Sort of wishing it was actually the former.
Page 26: Mike introduced. Nice character who will inevitably get shot down for PERFECT EDWARD because nice guys never get the girl. Looks are so much more important.
Page 27: EDWARD JUST HATES BELLA. He NEEDS to get away from her and her berry hair! Bella acts like Helena from A Midsummer Night's Dream. "Oh, Edward! Please let me be your spaniel! Your hate makes me love you EVEN MORE!"
Well, that sucked. I'm going to assume that the attraction of this book is that suburban pre-teen/teenage girls can empathize with a protagonist who bitches about minor problems as much as they do. I really, really don't like Bella's character thus far. She's incredibly self-centered and cold. Combine that with Meyer's writing skills, and I feel like I'm in for a long, painful ride.
Chapter 1 Verdict: Jet's "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" +